Anxiety and I

ANXIETY AND I

Beginnings

My parents did not give me a middle name. It may as well have been Anxiety. It has been with me since birth after all and is very much a part of who I am. As a child I struggled going to school at times, yet I put a huge pressure on myself to do well and fit in. School trips and sports days freaked me out. This led to fear. Fear of failure, being different and generally a social anxiety that is still with me today. It also caused a sleep disorder with severe night terrors and compulsive thoughts that has come and gone throughout my life as well as real issues with the way I feel about my body. I have never worn a bikini in my life, or a little black dress.

But…..

While I am happier hiding away in leggings and t shirts, I am learning to change my perspective on things. Sports and exercise have been a game changer for me. It allows me to focus on what my body can do and to be proud of that. My achievements in sports are changing the way I perceive myself and I try to encourage other women to try this too. I think it should never be about what our bodies look like, but about what we are capable of. This attitude is slowly carrying over into other areas of my life too. I have carried and nourished 5 children. This has put a huge strain on my body, yet it has bounced back every time. Maybe a bit slower each time, but it has done so, nonetheless. Our bodies are nothing short of amazing.

Off Days

With the exercise comes a release of hormones that make me feel more relaxed and more able to face the world on a day to day basis. It is my go-to first aid if I am having a really ‘off day’. And there have been plenty of those lately. COVID-19 frankly scares the bejeesus out of me. My sleep problems and compulsive thoughts came back with a vengeance earlier this year and are still hanging around. The other night I would not ‘allow’ myself to go to sleep until I had worked out how many stops there are on the old bus route I used when I was about 15. I lay awake until 4 am.

I have been walking, jogging, and running my way through the last 9 months. It helps me by giving me time to get out of my own head, enjoy the fresh air and find pleasure in nature all around me. And I also decided to do something that would take my mind of things altogether and shave my head. I suppose it was something I felt comfortable enough to try while we were not allowed to see people.

Acceptance and Support

Anxiety is a part of who I am. But I no longer try to fight it all the time and pretend I am OK. I am learning to accept it and find a way to get a handle on it. Some days I can. On the days I can’t I tell myself there is always tomorrow.

I support mental health campaigns because I realize that some people have a LOT of these bad days. Days where the anxiety takes over. Days when they are afraid to reach out because of how they think others may react. Days when they get anxious about talking about anxiety, stuck in a never-ending loop in a fear of speaking out, afraid of alienating those around them. Mental health is just as important as our physical health. We should be able to talk about our mental issues without a fear of being judged, and there should always be support available for those who need it. It may have taken someone a long time to pick up the courage to seek help, the last thing they need is judgement, dismissal, or long waiting lists.

We can help each other by paying attention to those around us. If your gut feeling says your friend or family member is not OK, then you are probably right. Do not ignore or dismiss someone when they say they are struggling. Listening is such a powerful thing and you may just make a difference. Check in with those around you. Equally, try not to be afraid to speak up. You are worthy of a non-judgmental ear. You are worthy full stop.