Let me introduce myself……….

Hi there. It’s good to see you here. As this is my first entry I will introduce myself to you and tell you a bit about how I ended up here.

I was born in a very small rural village in the Netherlands in 1977. I was very much an introverted child. I had only a few real friends and I had a sleeping disorder (I still have this, but more about that later). My mum and dad were very different people. My mum was a more gentle parent, my dad was more critical and at times I struggled trying to please him. I ended up putting a lot of pressure on myself to do well in school to make my parents proud of me. As I got to high school age my anxiety took over and there were days were I struggled to make it to school at all. When I was 17 my mum and dad separated, and my brother and I lived with my dad. Despite my struggles to feel happy in high school I walked away with 7 A level equivalent grades, enough to start an Animal Management Degree course at University.

Big Decision

My life took a drastic turn when, at the end of my first year at University in 1996 I ended up at Chester Zoo in England for a student placement. This is where I met my boyfriend, we shall refer to him as P., and I decided to move to England. Looking back now, I find it hard to grasp how I managed to leave all my family behind. My dad says he has such vivid memories of the day I said goodbye and left for the airport to start a new life in the UK, yet I barely recall anything from that day. This decision changed my life forever.

I had severely underestimated the culture shock. While a 6 week student placement had been fun, trying to build a whole new life in another country was not so easy. Faced with the need to find a job to pay my way I found my anxiety reared its head again. I was still getting to grips with the language and I freaked out at job interviews. P. got me a catering position at the Zoo. I didn’t last all that long and struggled to build any kind of relationship with my colleagues. When another position came up in the Education department I jumped at the opportunity. This time I made some good friends, my confidence increased and I started to think about going back to University. I was working on my language skills daily and started my degree in Biology and Health Sciences in 1999.

I loved my time at Chester University. As I was not entitled to any kind of student loan I worked part time throughout my Degree course. I was so proud when I graduated and got my first ‘proper’ job for an environmental laboratory in Chester.

Family Life

In 2005 our first child, a girl was born, followed by the second, another girl, in 2008. We had a shock when, in 2011 we found out that we were expecting twins and they were girls again. However, this pregnancy was difficult and full of worry.. Because the babies shared not only a placenta but also the same amniotic sac (so called MoMo twins) the chances that they would survive were only 50 percent. As the pregnancy progressed I had scans almost weekly, and then daily, until the babies were delivered at 32 weeks, happy and healthy.

Pressure

We were so busy trying to provide for our children and keeping everything organised and running smoothly that we lost sight of each others needs and our relationship started to feel the strain. My dad had asked us several times if we would consider taking over the family business back in the Netherlands, a pub/bar back in the village where I grew up. When the twins were 3 years old we decided to seriously consider it. It would be a new start, a new adventure. So everything was set in motion for us to uproot and move to the Netherlands. Until I had the biggest change of heart. I was desperate to move back home, see my family, let them become a part of our children’s lives. But there were issues I had been burying. From the endless criticism and bullying I received from P. about the way I sometimes struggled to cope with the demands of our 4 children to the distressing times when my family had come over for a holiday, only for it to be ruined by P. who would upset my mum to the point where she felt she had to go home, leaving me silently waving goodbye to her. I was suffering emotional abuse and I did not know how to deal with it. My resentment and bitterness were growing but I kept it all inside. Until I couldn’t any more. Moving back to the Netherlands would end in disaster and I had to stop it from happening. I ended our relationship after 19 years. I felt awful and I fell to pieces. I was riddled with guilt. Towards my children, my family, and P. too. I still blame myself today. I should have spoken up sooner. But I also realise how much I have learnt about myself in those 19 years. I am the person I am today, because of everything I experienced.

New Beginnings

After my husband and I separated I met someone else and we went on to have a child together, another girl! I really wanted to change my career and start a small business of my own. Having found the enjoyment of sports relatively late on in my life I qualified as a fitness instructor and went on to become a certified canicross partner with DogFit in February 2019. For almost two years now I have been teaching people how to run safely and effectively with their dogs and I have enjoyed every single minute. I meet new people all the time, am outside all year round and get to teach fitness in an outdoor environment. Even when our home got flooded in June 2019 I managed to keep going, determined to get back on my feet. And when my second daughter was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder just a month after that I bounced back again. And again when going to court to fight for an equal childcare arrangement the month after that and finally put an end to the bullying from P. And at the time of writing this the world is facing a pandemic. All in the space of just a few years.

Blogging

Over the next months and hopefully years I will be posting about health and fitness. Canicross will feature a lot in this, as running with my dogs and teaching others to do the same is what makes me happy.